I'm passing your future prison.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
