While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Houston, we have a squirter
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
