don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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