I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
