I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
