Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
