my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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