I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
