Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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