listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
