My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
