I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
