guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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