you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
