I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
They took my balls.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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