brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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