im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
