Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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