If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
