i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
