can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
