why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
