need another drink. this is the easiest way
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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