I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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