I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
