well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
