so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
