he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
