Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Sober January is a disaster.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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