hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
