You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
