I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
