I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Randomize
