my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Randomize
