Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
