i just wanna soil my oats bro
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
