i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
