It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
