guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
