My sheets look like a crime scene.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
