My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
