I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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