Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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