i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
