What a fucking waste of an outfit
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
