Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
