The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
