Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
