I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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