I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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