Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
