I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
